Pre-Production | Writing The Script

After I had completed the topline, synopsis and treatment, I was then able to begin working on the first draft of the script.  From my research, I knew that this first draft was inevitably going to change throughout the writing process, so I was not too worried about making mistakes and I was prepared to throw out any ideas that did not work after I received feedback.

The first draft came to 24 pages: [DIRECT LINK]



Mel went through the script prior to sending it to Simon for feedback.  She was mostly looking to bring up any logistical challenges that may arise from the script but she was also looking out for any errors I had made.  Some of the logistics that came up include: the van logo (what is actually going to be on the side of the van), risk assessments (the running over the dog scene), and the practical effects (e.g. blood).

Simon read through the script and advised me on the next steps for the script:

• Formatting
• He suggested I add the draft number for clarity when reading through each different draft.
• He also suggested I add the characters' ages to their introductions to aid with visualising them and giving an idea about their character before we see or hear them.
• Pacing
• In the current script, there is far too much dialogue with not much happening.  As Simon pointed out, by page 9, Tim has only printed his diploma and got in his van.  By following the '1 page = 1 minute rule', this puts it at almost half way through the 20 minute maximum length of the film.  Therefore I need to make the action and dialogue much tighter and punchier.
• The dog scene in particular drags out a lot, to the point where it takes far too long to get to the punchline.  Simon described it as 'dialogue tennis' as it jut went back and forth and did not go anywhere.
• There should be a lot more room for story and at the minute, there is little substance to the story.  Tim is just going from place to place, not doing very much.
• Believability
• The idea of a vet operating illegally in a van is tenuous already so I really need to sell it through what happens in the script.  It would make my script a lot more believable if we saw Tim actually be a vet.
• Tone
• The tone is not there yet - it is unclear whether it is a safe comedy but it has elements of dark humour, it needs to focus on one or the other.
• Potential Ideas
• Simon suggested that Tim loves animals but is just terrible with them and accidentally kills every animal he touches.

This was very useful feedback going forward as it gave me a lot to work with for the next draft: [DIRECT LINK]




In the second draft, I cut out a lot of dialogue in an attempt to make it punchier and to help with the pacing of the film.  One of the issues with the first draft was that I was spoon-feeding a lot of the plot through the dialogue which would be better conveyed through action, or not at all.  Therefore I cut out spaces between dialogue such as characters leaving a location and telling the other characters where they are going as this was unnecessary exposition.  The audience can usually fill in the blanks, so I do not need to spell out every movement and motivation for them.

I also worked out the text that would be displayed on the side of the van - as seen in the first draft, I knew the sort of joke I was aiming for but was still unsure as to exactly what I could write as the slogan.  I was inspired by a recurring gag on Top Gear in which the presenters wrote slogans for fake businesses on the side of their vehicles which would say something different, usually smutty, as the door was opened (see image).  I made a mockup of the slogan I was intending to use on the van, and I feel it works well and fits with the tone I am trying to convey.

The slogan reads "We love pets, small and large. From cats to cockerels... We care!", and as the door opens it will read "We love large cock".

I sent the script off to Simon and wrote specific notes on what to change in the script as well as more general points about the narrative:

• More dialogue needs to be cut to make the scenes flow a lot better and quicker to the punchline than they currently are.
• Tess' character contradicts herself, putting doubt into her character - i.e. in scene 1, she seems adamant not to let Tim go ahead with his illegal practices but she ends up letting him go anyway. Her appearance later on at the owl sanctuary also does not make much sense and is an anti-climax as Tim has spent the whole film up to this point on a journey to reach it.
• Simon also pointed out that Pete's character no longer adds much to the plot so there is not much point in him even being there anymore.
• I also found myself spoon-feeding plot through the dialogue, so I will need to work out better ways of showing instead of telling.
• We agreed that the final scenes need a lot of work as the whole film falls on a bit of an anti-climax.

With these pointers in mind, I went on to write the third draft script: [DIRECT LINK]

As I would expect, I am growing more confident in my writing as each script changes, yet the third draft still had a way to go before completion.  I had cut out a lot of dialogue that was not serving purpose other than exposition and I changed Tess' dialogue and actions so they were more consistent with her character: she now outright refuses to help Tim and he ends up taking the tools off her against her will.

I had also gone ahead with the decision to remove Pete, as he was not adding anything to the rest of the story (although he does mistakenly appear in one action which I will rectify in the next draft).  The owl sanctuary scene has now been completely re-written, almost as a heist scene.  Rather than showing up and not much else happening, Tim and Luke must now convince Mollie that she needs their help and come up with a plan for this to come into fruition.  This works a lot better as there is more of a setup for the punchline when Tim eventually kills the owl.

Simon advised I remove more lines to help with the pacing and flow of the scenes so that I could get to the punchlines quicker.  He suggested that I try to bring out Tim's desperation further so that his motivations are more apparent and more of a driving factor for his actions.  This would allow for Tim to lose his cool toward the end as he gets closer and closer to the end of his tether.

With this feedback in mind, I went on to the fourth draft: [DIRECT LINK]



In this draft, I had largely been refining details and trying to condense the dialogue so I could get closer to a complete script.  Simon gave me several more pointers on some changes I should make before the script was at that stage of completion:

• He said that it was coming off as more of a sketch than a comedy at the minute, as we do not see much of Tim's motivations.  He seems to go from place to place with little consequence.
• I need to establish why Tim is doing what he is doing, what he has to lose, and determine what has caused Tim to do it.
• I also need to avoid drawing out scenes for too long and avoid actions that have little to no effect on the characters, or else the audience will be unable to empathise with them and the humour may be lost.
• I would argue, however, that a lot of the comedy I have watched and researched relies on the central characters being purposefully unsympathetic, making it easier for us to laugh at their downfall.  'Mark' in Peep Show, for example, is a generally uptight and unpleasant person which almost allows the audience to not feel guilty about finding his misfortune funny.  He is an anti-anti-hero, where an audience is sympathetic to an unconventional protagonist, the audience is unsympathetic to and relishes in Mark's failures, as he deserves everything that happens to him.  That being said, I will look into how I can approach this in the next draft of the script, as I need to solidify how I want Tim to come across to the audience.

Here is the fifth draft of the script with this feedback taken on board: [DIRECT LINK]

I had aimed for this to be the penultimate draft, as we were running out of time to produce the package - I do still intend to edit the script up until we shoot, as I would like to continue to collaborate with the cast during rehearsals etc.  I had added more about Tim's backstory and motivations in response to Simon's feedback, although I had done so lazily through exposition instead of action, which I will change for the sixth draft.  I have re-written the final scene and I am much more satisfied with the ending than I was previously.

Simon advised I delve deeper into the family history to show how and why Tim decided to pursue his veterinary career.  He said that it has a stronger middle, but it is let down by the start and end which come across weaker in terms of comedy.  Therefore, I will need to look into how I can improve the humour in these scenes and increase the stakes to give the film as a whole a better structure and pace.

With this, I went on to the sixth and currently final draft: [DIRECT LINK]



On the whole, I am happy with how the script has progressed over the project.  As I said previously, I am planning to continue to develop the script with feedback from the cast, however I would be happy to go into production with the script as it is now.